2006 March « Nothing Witty

This is going to be one of those posts people don’t really like to read. I’m warning you now, if my raw emotions bother you, don’t read this.
I’ve had a day. A good day, even. Moments of today where sweet and beautiful being imagining.
But for some reason, my soul is in tatters.
Where to begin?
I’m packing.
With the exception of this computer, and Belle’s toys, I’m done.
My life is packed into brown boxes. I’m glad its done.
Its been hard packing, especially today because Belle has helped me so much.
Clothes pulled out of suitcases, piles mixed up. I’ll have something ready to go and I turn around and its been undone. So I’m frustrated.
A plant got knocked over twice today. Well, the second time she pushed it. Dirt everywhere. She is two. And I was so frustrated with her.
And I feel bad for feeling frustrated because its really not her fault. She doesn’t understand what is happening to her world. She only knows its in pieces.
She knows she never sees her daddy anymore.

He came home after work today and sat with her for a moment. And then he went out and got high, and left again. He didn’t bother to say goodbye to her. She went looking for him, tears in her eyes. And then she took me by the hand and led me around the house looking in every room asking where daddy was.

Then she sat and cried on my lap for a few minutes.

And its the moments like these I hate him so much. That is my heart sitting on my lap crying.

That J. Considers me not worth loving and the time we had together a waste I can forgive. But My God, how am I supposed to take my child hurting? How am I supposed to deal with this? I’m torn into a million pieces on a daily basis. And what about her? She is two. How much she is capable of understanding I don’t know. But she is obviously feeling and How can he just not see? Where does he think this time is going? How can he ignore when she clings to his leg saying daddy play with me, daddy don’t go?

So there was that.

Then there is me trying to do everything. I’m in an odd place. Still in the same house, but single. I still am doing what I used to do, because who would do it otherwise? Meals must be cooked, child fed, or tried to be fed, child bathed and clothed and loved and kissed. I’m a single parent. For the most part, I’m fine with that. Its just, I wish that someone else would change a diaper, or when she’s taken off her clothes for the 10th time today, I wish there was someone else to dress her. Or maybe worry that she is going through a not eating phase.

And I’m so stressed and busy, I’m letting her watch TV. Hell, I’m trying to accomplish all of these things, I’m begging her to watch it. And that’s not the mom I want to be! She needs mommy who reads and plays and sings and dances and hugs and snuggles and I’m giving her all I have to give and its not enough! I feel like I’m failing her miserably.

She deserves so much more and I’m this hollow shell and all I want is to go someplace and cry or be held. Or maybe go someplace quiet, really quiet and yell and scream, scream until my throat is raw and bleeding like the rest of me. Falling apart is simply not an option.

My girl comes first. When I brought her into the world I didn’t'look at her and say sometimes. She has my promise.

SOOO.

Moving and motherhood aside, we come to me.

Things really are not bad. I start a new job Monday, and I’m really excited about that.

The future looks positively bright. I know I use this term a lot, but it works. The future is filled with Infinite Possibilities.

I feel, strangely enough, better about myself than I’ve ever felt in my life. I feel beautiful and sexy and smart and alive. Hopes and dreams are alive and well.

A couple of them simply too precious and fragile to my heart to even be spoken of. Out of darkness these exciting wonderful unexpected blessings seem to be coming unlooked for. These beautiful possibilities want me. They want to share moments with me. And ideas and thoughts and dreams and laughter.

And yet tonight, after a moderately hard day, I’m sitting here cold as the ashes in the fireplace. I feel tattered and worn and wondering what on earth I have to give to anyone. Of what use are broken pieces? I sit here, nothing more than an aching hurt. Broken. How can I have failed so miserably? And if I’ve failed so miserably once, how on earth can I ever be trusted or risk hurting someone else like this again? How dare I?

I was listening to Edwin McCain’s song I’ll Be, to the line that says “I’ll be the greatest event of your life” and that’s what I would want to be but I can’t see right at the moment how I be anything at all.

So there you have it. All of Ariel spread on the sand for you to see. Bits of me are blowing away in the wind and other pieces are being tossed by the surf.

And having written this, I feel better. I know I’m tired. I’m stressed. Sleep will bring back my equilibrium. Don’t be worried, I just need to feel occasionally.

Sense of humor returned in the morning.

Promise.

Nothing Witty

Archive for March, 2006

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