We are having a girl! Everything looks good!

You shall have no ham!

Brian attempts to put her back in:)

And ends in missed sleep, for no good reason.

My Dr. called yesterday, to let me know that the Quad Screen had popped up one slightly abnormal result, on the Spina Bifida screen.  He stressed, immediately, that he DID NOT think the baby had Spina Bifida, although they would, of course, check baby most carefully at my 20 weeks scan, but since both of my ultrasounds had looked wonderful and the first blood test had been perfect, he was not worried about the baby. Rather the test indicated a slightly higher risk for me– that I might be at a slightly higher risk of developing pre-eclampsia later on.

He stressed that they would watch me a little closer, that he wasn’t too worried, and that it was just a screen, and the only reason he was calling was because he had to, and not because he thought anything was wrong.

And of course, for about four hours I was calm, and rational, and reassuring Brian, and then I lost it. The “what ifs” started creeping in and then I was envisioning myself at 24 weeks on bed rest, dying of pre-eclampsia, trying to keep the baby in for just a few more days…  And then the opposite of course was there too- when Squirrel wasn’t wiggling I was envisioning him/her sick and dying, and showing up for my 20 weeks scan and seeing no heartbeat. And then of course baby kicks me, and I feel a little better.

But I slept like crap last night. Stupid what ifs.  I took my vitamins for MONTHS before I was pregnant. I stopped taking hot baths, and stuck to warm ones. I did everything right. So IF the baby has Spina Bifida, we deal. Nothing we can do, or could have done differently. IF I develop pre-eclampsia, we deal. Nothing we can do.

But I’ll admit, seeing this baby in three weeks will make me happy. And every week closer to 40 weeks I’ll be happier.  I don’t remember this anxiety with Emma, but I was much younger, and less informed.  I have worried much more this pregnancy, even before yesterday’s phone call. Taking classes in A&P when you are pregnant is perhaps not the best idea, because you learn how magnificent and complex the human body is, and how ever twitch of a finger is a miracle.  I now  understand how complex the very movements of my fingers are as I type this.  And I understand how easily the body can be broken.  I know SO much more now. Damnit. With knowledge there is power and fear.

You could pass these screens with flying colors and still have a baby with Spina Bifida, or Downs.  It’s our baby, it changes nothing.  I could still get pre-eclampsia, even without this early indicator.

Anyway, I’ve broken the blog somehow, so no one can even see this.  As far as pass-wording the blog goes, I think, if I understand right, I’ve got to make you all get word-press accounts, so I may just blog elsewhere for a little while, anonymously, and make this one private for a little bit? Or under a blogger blog, where you can read using only your email. It’s just a lot of changes, that I feel the need to talk about, but don’t want random strangers reading for the time being…

My family:)

This is what I woke up to this morning.

Good ones, I promise. But I need to PW the blog for a little while, so if you wanna keep reading, email me or leave a comment and I will add you to the list of authorized readers….

Emma got all of her spelling words right!