Ever since I knew I was pregnant with you- which would be approximately 6 years ago around about this time, my entire world has revolved around you.  Protecting you, loving you.  I’ve loved you since the first thought of you crossed my mind. You are by far the most perfect thing I’ve ever done.

You are five years old and as far as you know, for the most part, your world is perfect.

And I’m having a really hard time because I want your world to be perfect.   I want you to always be safe and clean and well fed. I want only good people to be around you and kind people speaking to you.

Baby, I feel like I’ve failed you because today I made a deal with the devil to protect you.

When I left your biological father for a multitude of reasons and finally filed for divorce I was granted sole legal and physical custody of you.  He was granted supervised visitation.

Your biological father, Jeff, hasn’t been a very nice person.  He’s lied and stolen and done drugs.  Lots of them.  He’s driven drunk more times than I can count on all my fingers and toes.  Unfortunately, he’s only been caught twice.  And he’s only been caught once for the drugs.  He’s left you alone several times, and alone with his home health clients (who were also not to be left alone).  He’s taken you to a hot spring where naked men could expose themselves to you. I could go on and on about the ways he’s endangered you, neglected you.  And when you are old enough I’ll tell you everything.  The whole story.  But right now I’m not allowed to. Ask one day you’ll ask and I’ll tell you the truth.

According to the “law of the land” he’s done his time and served his sentence.  And for some reason that means his problems just go away.  Because everyone knows that when you pass all the random drug tests and your probation officer is willing to testify on your behalf at a custody trial it means you are a good person.  Even though this is the THIRD time he’s had to have a probation officer and he’s still ON probation.  Apparently nothing else matters.    And judges are not interested in hearing the truth, only a few facts- from a probation officer and a drug counselor- who have never seen him parent but for some reason bear more weight in court than 6 years of history.

So for that last 8 Months your Daddy (Brian) and I have been paying an attorney to help us fight for your safety.  At first we were told the entire thing would be thrown out.  And then one week from trial we were told the judge would most likely lift supervision.  And give him a lot more time.

Baby girl, I honestly believe in my heart that he is not a good father.  I believe you to be in danger when you are with him.  The only redeeming part of his life right now is his girlfriend, who is pregnant.  She is trapped the way I was trapped.  She has only seen the good parts of him and she loves him.  So really, at this time, there are three victims in this tragedy.  Her, you and your unborn sibling.  She will pay for not listening to the warnings, but unfortunately, you and your sibling will pay the greater price.

So I bought, with two signatures and a WHOLE lot of money today, time.  I bought a few more  supervised visits and a few less overnights.  And if something happens, no overnights.

Please baby, know I did the best I could for you, that I cried when I signed those pieces of paper.  Because I know, in my heart, that it won’t work, that I’ll just be  back in court in a year’s time, or less.  But Baby?  The judge doesn’t care what is in my heart.  So I did the best I could. And I’m so so sorry.  I’m sorry I can’t protect you fully from someone you shouldn’t need protection from.  I’m sorry.

Please know, there is something good from all this-  You, Me and Your Daddy- and I mean Brian Daddy- have become so much closer through all of this.  I have learned how to trust, and how to lean and how to share and I’m so much more complete because of this.  And as Brian says- nothing in our house will change. You will have the same loving house you’ve always had- its just, now you’ll need it more.  And at least we can do that much for you.

At this moment, I’m really not okay with this and while I’ve done the best I can I don’t feel like it is enough.  I’m so sorry and please know I love you, and Daddy loves you, more than you can possibly imagine.  And no matter what, we are here.