You shall have no ham!

Brian attempts to put her back in:)

And ends in missed sleep, for no good reason.

My Dr. called yesterday, to let me know that the Quad Screen had popped up one slightly abnormal result, on the Spina Bifida screen.  He stressed, immediately, that he DID NOT think the baby had Spina Bifida, although they would, of course, check baby most carefully at my 20 weeks scan, but since both of my ultrasounds had looked wonderful and the first blood test had been perfect, he was not worried about the baby. Rather the test indicated a slightly higher risk for me– that I might be at a slightly higher risk of developing pre-eclampsia later on.

He stressed that they would watch me a little closer, that he wasn’t too worried, and that it was just a screen, and the only reason he was calling was because he had to, and not because he thought anything was wrong.

And of course, for about four hours I was calm, and rational, and reassuring Brian, and then I lost it. The “what ifs” started creeping in and then I was envisioning myself at 24 weeks on bed rest, dying of pre-eclampsia, trying to keep the baby in for just a few more days…  And then the opposite of course was there too- when Squirrel wasn’t wiggling I was envisioning him/her sick and dying, and showing up for my 20 weeks scan and seeing no heartbeat. And then of course baby kicks me, and I feel a little better.

But I slept like crap last night. Stupid what ifs.  I took my vitamins for MONTHS before I was pregnant. I stopped taking hot baths, and stuck to warm ones. I did everything right. So IF the baby has Spina Bifida, we deal. Nothing we can do, or could have done differently. IF I develop pre-eclampsia, we deal. Nothing we can do.

But I’ll admit, seeing this baby in three weeks will make me happy. And every week closer to 40 weeks I’ll be happier.  I don’t remember this anxiety with Emma, but I was much younger, and less informed.  I have worried much more this pregnancy, even before yesterday’s phone call. Taking classes in A&P when you are pregnant is perhaps not the best idea, because you learn how magnificent and complex the human body is, and how ever twitch of a finger is a miracle.  I now  understand how complex the very movements of my fingers are as I type this.  And I understand how easily the body can be broken.  I know SO much more now. Damnit. With knowledge there is power and fear.

You could pass these screens with flying colors and still have a baby with Spina Bifida, or Downs.  It’s our baby, it changes nothing.  I could still get pre-eclampsia, even without this early indicator.

Anyway, I’ve broken the blog somehow, so no one can even see this.  As far as pass-wording the blog goes, I think, if I understand right, I’ve got to make you all get word-press accounts, so I may just blog elsewhere for a little while, anonymously, and make this one private for a little bit? Or under a blogger blog, where you can read using only your email. It’s just a lot of changes, that I feel the need to talk about, but don’t want random strangers reading for the time being…

My family:)

This is what I woke up to this morning.

Good ones, I promise. But I need to PW the blog for a little while, so if you wanna keep reading, email me or leave a comment and I will add you to the list of authorized readers….

Emma got all of her spelling words right!

I had always known murder to be a terrible thing, but I didn’t realize how profoundly wrong it is to deprive a fellow human being of life.

Someone I know was murdered in cold blood last night, by a member of their own family. Just like that, Poof! Gone.

I am in shock, not because I knew the person terrible well, or cared terribly much for them, but because I know understand how far from feeling a person must be to commit such an act. Truly inhuman.

And now lives are just torn apart.

And I don’t understand.

I am sure 2011 is going to be great.

I mean, lots of babies due and whatnot, my own included. Hopefully more soon for everyone else.

My sister is 8-ish weeks ahead of me. I am so happy for her. She’s had two miscarriages and been told she’d never carry to term, and here she is, having a boy.

She is SO ODD. She’s very happy about her baby, loves to share bits and pieces about her baby, asks questions about my previous pregnancy experiences…

And for all intents and purposes seems absolutely furious that I am pregnant myself. I would understand if she wasn’t pregnant, she was mad when I told her we were going to start trying, and I understood that.

She told one of my other sisters that she wished she was the only one pregnant right now.  And I don’t understand that. I feel ENRICHED by all of the other women who are pregnant around me. I feel part of a vast sisterhood.  I would not wish any of these new lives gone or not coming for any reason at all. If I was mad at everyone who got pregnant before I did or was pregnant now it would be a very long list and I would feel very lonely. I wish a baby for every woman who so desperately wants one.

I know I’m just a crazy pregnant hormonal woman… But when I saw her on Sunday, she made it perfectly obvious she did NOT want to talk to me. It’s hard to admit that my sister simply does not like me. But the way things have been said it seems like I may not even be invited to the hospital after her baby is born to see him.  And I had originally asked her to help me when I went into labor… I wanted my sisters there. I shouldn’t whine, since 3/4 are willing.

I KNOW this year is going to be better. Saturday night I curled up with Brian and started trying to sleep, and felt a little bubble pop in my lower abdomen. This is how Emma felt, right at first, and the Dr. told me it was my imagination… but it wasn’t, since I felt it again and again and it just got stronger and stronger. So 2011 started out with me feeling this little one move. I can’t be sorry for myself when I think about that.